I have found my purpose, and here we go!

So- I took a peek.  I haven't blogged in two and a half years.  There is a good reason.  I've been busy being Mom.  Not a working mom, not a mom who wanted to work to feel as if I had something of 'my own'.  I just wanted to be a mom.  A present and intentional mom.  A mom who could experience each morning before school, after school, making snacks before the kids got home, homeroom mom, homemade birthday invitations kind of mom.  I wanted to be there the first time they whistled, or read the big words in their books alone.  Two and a half years ago, I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, but, I was not present.  I was not intentional.  And I feel as if I missed some really special days.  Days of going to the park, flying kites, building forts in the living room, going to the zoo, taking more bike rides, swimming, camping, exploring, making messes.  I was a mess.  I was asleep most of the time.  If I was awake, I was crying, or angry, or even both.  You see, I lost twins.  I had two beautiful babies already, so I knew EXACTLY what it meant the day we were to give the monogrammed shirts exclaiming "I'm a big brother again!" and "I'm a big sister!" to my babies, who had been praying every single night for God to put a baby in Mommy's tummy.  It meant more laughter, more noise, and mess and chaos, more years without sleep, and more love than one can imagine.  So, at 12 weeks, holding hands, cold gel on my already growing belly, we saw the big screen.  The very big screen with the most beautiful babies.  Just no heartbeats.  Seriously, I don't remember much, other than being in complete denial.  Nope, they had to be just fine.  I'd been throwing up all day so certainly you can't have morning sickness all day long if you aren't pregnant.  I felt pregnant.  My stomach looked pregnant.  We had monogrammed T-shirts.  So, I went home.  "They" say there are three steps to grieving a miscarriage.  1. Shock/Denial   2. Anger/Guilt/Depression  and 3. Acceptance.
Well, the first was easy.  Of course I was in shock and denial.  I still felt pregnant.   It wasn't until a couple of weeks later when my fever was 103 and my body was just not going to labor and do its' thing naturally, that I went in for a dreaded D & C.  So, with that over, step 2 set in.  Anger is an understatement.  I was SO mad.  So mad at every pregnant woman I crossed paths with.  Angry at God for not allowing me to carry those babies that we made and love them and raise them.  Angry for not having a larger family.  Jealousy.  The kind that drives one mad.  So, staying at home and not dealing with anyone felt right.  I had told very few people I was pregnant to begin with.   Why?  Why did I not celebrate every single second of having the privilege of carrying these miracles inside me?  I had with my other two and they turned out PERFECT!  Was it my fault?  So, guilt set in.  And depression.  That kind of deep depression that leaves you numb and asleep.  That is not me.  I am not absent.  And I missed some time, a lot of time, away from the two most precious babies on earth ~ the ones I had and the ones who needed me ~ sleeping, crying, and being angry.
Add trophoblastic disease and a very rare and crazy potential for developing a pregnancy related cancer called choriocarcinoma, a weekly blood test to see if my HcG levels would EVER go down (it took a while!) and specialists telling me that I would have to wait at least a year before I'd even potentially be able to try again, all the while reminding me that my advanced maternal age was not in my favor.  Thank you for the reminder that I'm old.  It's always nice to kick someone while they are down.
Last month, I visited the old OB for the fun, annual visit.  In the office, they had these little replicas of babies - fetuses, they call them.  12 weeks, 16 weeks, 20 weeks, etc.  I tried so hard, but couldn't help but pick up the 12 week one.  It has been two and a half years, but that could have been mine.  Times two.  So perfect. So very perfect.  A big head, a body, ears, hands.  I held it and took a picture.  The only thing I could do.  It seemed wrong, but I needed that.  Time alone with just this plastic, replica baby.

I suppose that leaves #3.  Acceptance.  I can say with certainty that acceptance is not something I am sure I'll ever actually reach.  I'm not even really sure I want to be in that place.  I don't want to forget the joy and love I felt in those 12 weeks for these two lives I had so much hope for. I used to think everything happens for a reason.  I can't say I believe that anymore.  But, things do happen.  Painful things.  Situations and heartache that will never make sense.  How we react to those things ~ that is something I've learned to be in control of.  I want to be present. Intentional.  Loving.  Soaking up every single second with the children I do have.  Their achievements.  Their silliness.  Their innocence. Their unconditional love.  The unconditional love I have for them.  The joy they bring me.
Two weeks after I let my twins leave my body, I had a newborn shoot that I had scheduled for a while.  It was an absolute nightmare.  And after I got home, I put up my camera, went to sleep on the couch, and decided that photography could not bring me joy for a while.  I could not bring joy to the art, to the lives I was allowed to be part of, and I took a break.  A long one.  Two and a half years.  But, I've still photographed my children.  Their milestones.  Their silly faces, snuggling each other, playing ball, dance recitals, firsts.  We moved to a new state.  I've engaged.  We've played.  We've laughed.  And I've embraced being their Mommy!  NOTHING will ever be better than knowing I made a choice to be present, supportive, and intentional in their little lives.  They are my heroes.  They got me up when I thought I could not, and they never even had a clue.  I'm happy.  I'm content. I'm so proud of my family.
I'm READY!
We are moving again.  That is our life as a military family.  And that is ok. I love my husband.  I'm proud of him and what he does for our family.  He is such a great father, soldier, and provider.  Our next adventure leads us to Italy.  I can't wait to get there, get out my camera, and start shooting.  It's time.  It feels right.  I'm not stuffy.  I love candid, real moments, because if we aren't careful, those are the times we are going to miss!  Play, love, laugh.   I can't wait to give you that moment in time, to keep forever!  I know without a doubt, that is my purpose!  xoxo Windy Bonser

Where did my baby go??

That is my baby boy.  My life.  My whole heart.  I remember asking my Mama the night he was born, as I held him for the first time..."How long do I get to hold him like this, until he doesn't want me to hold him anymore?" and she told me "Oh, Windy, you have all kinds of time."  Only, I didn't.  He'll still let me hold him, and  he holds my hand, but he is not here right now.  He is in school.  REAL school...Kindergarten.  Dropping him off this morning was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  And the most exciting.  I remember how much I loved school.  He will, too.  He is so smart.  And sweet. And honest.  He has a special, special place in my heart.  After all, so many times, it's been just the two of us.  I went through most of my pregnancy with his Daddy across the ocean.  So, we'd 'talk'.  I'd play music and he'd dance in my belly.  He was born, and was the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on.  So serious.  Taking everything in.  He is still that way. His Daddy deployed a couple of times, and we've had a lot of time together.  I'm fortunate enough to stay home with him and my daughter.  We have the chance to wake up and go swimming, or to the zoo, or the museum, or the park.  We've had such a fun 6 years.  SIX YEARS...Where on earth did that time go?  My job has been to get him ready, and he is ready for this.  I'm not.  I want to snuggle, and play, and go to McDonald's to climb and slide and  have ice cream.  And we'll do those things, all after 1:55.  But, today, my baby boy, my big, big baby boy, is busy MOVING MOUNTAINS!!!

6 months old and perfect!

I love, love, love 6 months old babies!  They are at that cute stage when their expressions are so sincere, their favorite snack is their toes, and everything is so new!  It is just fun!  This little girl warmed up in one second, and smiled the whole time!  These are the babies that make my job just so.much.fun!!!!  She was a blast eating her first sucker - I love that sticky face!!  Thank you, baby N, for a fun Sunday afternoon!

Snow Angel!!

Finally, snow on the mountain, and a day with great friends and no children!  How does that happen??  We started with make up at In Your Facial inside Studio S with Jill - she is AMAZING!!  Mad props, Jill!!!!  You are an artist!  Then, we hit the slopes!  I LOVE this girl!  She is southern, makes a mean sweet tea and banana pudding, is one of the sweetest people I know, AND is incredibly sexy!  I will save the really sexy ones for her hubby, but have to share what an absolutely gorgeous woman she is!  Thank you for the opportunity to photograph you and for a day of fun!  Looking forward to many more, my beautiful, beautiful friend!  xoxox

Baby Claire on the Way!

What a way to start a weekend!  I had so much fun with this new friend!  What a beautiful glow! She is in love with her baby girl on the way, and with her Alma Mater!  It was so much fun learning the history of The University of Arizona, and hear about her time there!  What a beautiful campus!  What is it about being on a college campus that opens the floodgates of memories?  The buildings, the bikes, that feeling of freedom and the unknown!  What perfect place for a maternity shoot!  The world is at your feet, sweet baby Claire!  You have a sweet heart Mama who is going to love you rotten!  Can't wait to meet you! 

Gorgeous lady "J"!

Ok, so I don't have to go on and on about how beautiful this friend is.  Look at her, she is gorgeous.  But, she is so much more than that.  She is sweet, she is kind, she is a great mother, she is smart, she is strong, she is a great listener, she is a FABULOUS aesthetician, and a great friend!  We had so much fun doing these boudoir portraits!  She was game to brave a crisp Tucson morning, and was so creative and comfortable.  She made my job easy.  I am overjoyed to have met this woman, and I know there are fun, great things in store for her!  Thank you, sweet "J"!  You are truly beautiful!

Welcome, Baby "W"!

This sweet family is special to me.  They value family.  They are so welcoming and loving, and it is so great seeing them welcome this new, precious little one into their lives!  Their little boy turned one just after his sister was born.  What beautiful children.  You can see for yourself!  Babies are such magical little creatures.  The way they smell, the sounds they make, the way they just seem to cuddle up and fit so perfectly under your chin or on your chest for a nap.  Magical!   Congratulations, sweet, sweet family, on the birth of your beautiful little princess!